Cookie"
by Miss Odious
Summary: This neighborhood drunk. This is her story. This play is copyrighted 2000 C.Kreimendahl


**This is a short piece still under contstruction.  
  
  
"Cookie"  
  
Cast:  
Cookie……….…middle aged, neighborhood drunk  
Allison…...…Christian school girl, with an agenda  
Luke….......……………………………….Slumlord  
**

  


Inside of a small efficiency; Blankets cover all thewindows; inside there's a small refrigerator, a sofa and a chair   


  
  
Cookie:(On the phone) You are so arrogant, even your message is arrogant, as if the   
whole God damn world... Oh yes sure, after the beep...This is Cookie, as if you   
didn't already know that. I know you've got caller ID, and THAT's the reason I'm   
talking to this fucking machine! Well let me tell you...listen to me you   
arrogant...(Sudden change) I don't even know why I called you. I know you could   
careless about me, but I just wanted... what? (looks at phone) Shit (hangs it up,   
banging her forehead) stupid stupid stupid. Jesus Cookie that was real fucking   
smart. ( knocking on door) Go away! (More knocking) I said go away I don't want   
what your selling!  
  
Luke:Cookie, it's Luke, open up. this is important.  
  
Cookie:(To herself) OF course it is. (Opens door Luke enters) Everything is important to   
you. A matter of life and death. From the fucking water main to the perpetual   
pimple on your ass.  
  
Luke:Pleasure to see you as always.  
  
Cookie:Yadda, yadda, yadda. Spill it. Which one of your tennents is leaving nasty   
messages on your machine this week? Is the plumber still nailing you wife?   
Which one of your kids called you an asshole? Is the sky falling?Oh Lord let the   
sky fall right down on me at this very moment! and spare me whatever bitch fest   
I am about to be subject to, this glorious Thursday!  
  
Luke:The plumber? Ed, my plumber? and claire...Oh christ...Oh christ, the plumber?  
  
Cookie:I made it up.  
  
Luke:Are you sure? Cause I thought that...  
  
Cookie:Yes God damn it I made it all up, I was ranting. I fucking made it up. Relax. Sit   
here, it's pleather, expensive.  
  
Luke: Thank you, are you absolutly positive...  
  
Cookie: More then positive, beer?  
  
Luke: No, I don't drink.  
  
Cookie: Oh yeah I forgot.  
  
Luke: I come here every thursday and every thursday you ask me if I want a be...  
  
Cookie: I forgot! ok! I've got a lot on my mind. It's understandable that I forgot. People do   
that you, forget things.  
  
Luke: But every thursday for two ye...  
  
Cookie: Drop it! I forgot. Sue me you bastard.  
  
Luke: Listen...Cookie this is serious I've...  
  
Cookie: Want to know what is serious?  
  
Luke: THIS is serious I've...  
  
Cookie: THIS is serious pointing to airconditioner This peice of shit air conditioner   
hasn't been working for a month now. And see this on hands and knees This   
is fungus...fungus growing on my floor. Take a look.  
  
Luke: It doesn't matter...  
  
Cookie: Get down here and look at this!  
  
Luke: Really...  
  
Cookie: Get down here and look, take a good look at this. Come on get off the sofa,   
Comfy I know, but pull yourself away, and look.  
  
Luke: Cookie please! this is...  
  
Cookie: I'll isten to you bitch and whine after you look at this.  
  
Luke: Really...  
  
Cookie: Do me this small favor.  
  
Luke: (Getting on hands and knees) Fine, but it doesn't matter.  
  
Cookie: Doesn't matter? Look at this! Growing inbetween this cheap cracked lanoleum   
you call a floor. Do you know what this fungus is?  
  
Luke: No and...  
  
Cookie: Neither do I. That bothers me. This could be anything. See that (pointing to air   
purifyer) I bought that two days ago. Purifies the air, and on a plus, it shoots out   
cold air. Sad stand in for an airconditioner, but people who have slumlords for   
landlords can't complain...Right?  
  
Luke: I'm not a lsumlord!  
  
Cookie: For Christsake take a look around you. This is a slum and you are it's Lord. A   
God damn King. King of the slums!  
  
Luke: Not anymore, I've...  
  
Cookie: Oh please you think those two magnolia trees you planted out from, make ONE   
bit of difference? Have you seen those trees lately? Spray paint all over them. A   
fucking tree. Everythings got spray paint on it around here. Little assholes have   
to tag everything, can't even leave a tree alone.  
  
Luke: I've sold the hotel.  
  
Cookie: What?  
  
Luke: I sold the hotel, yesterday. That's why I'm here. I'm going to see all the tennants.  
  
Cookie: Well that's great Luke. I'm happy for you. Now you can run off to some farm   
country like... Montana maybe. Roll around in the blue grass. How lovely for   
you. When do I get to meet the new slumlord?  
  
Luke: He's not a slumlord.  
  
Cookie: Oh so he's one of those polite up-town folks, clean , and well dressed. Going to   
turn this slum into a fine hotel for rich white suburbanites who want a vacation   
from their boring little lives? Going to fix the place up is he? Raise my rent by   
300 a month is he?  
  
Luke: He's a buisnessman.  
  
Cookie: Aren't they all.  
  
Luke: He's going to tear down the hotel and build a walgreens.  
  
Cookie: What! A fucking walgreens? There's one on every cornor already!  
  
Luke: Everyone will have a year to move out. I insisted on that.  
  
Cookie: That was real fucking sweet of you. Are you going to help all of us find a new   
place to live too? Are you going to help us pack? Rent a u-haul for each of us?  
  
Luke: It's just buisness. I couldn't refuse the mans offer. He says this is the perfect spot   
for one of his walgreens.  
  
Cookie: Oh yeah perfect spot, across the street from the neighborhood crackhouse, two   
blocks from gang headquarters, and right next to the head start day care   
center, could there be a more PERFECT spot?!  
  
Luke: I know you're upset but this...  
  
Cookie: (Overlapping, on upset) I'm not upset! I've got the winning lottery ticket. I'll be   
fine. I'm going to win this time, I can feel it (knocks on table)  
  
Luke: You have a better chance of having a plane crash into your room.  
  
Cookie: Always the optomist  
  
Luke: I've got to be going. I'm sorry Cookie (gets up) I have to go tell the others. Wish   
me luck.  
  
Cookie: Kiss my ass  
  
Luke: Bye (exits)  
  
Cookie: (Mimicking him) "Wish me luck" Arrogant prick. And yes, your wife is screwing   
Ed the plumber.  
  


(Stones thrown at Cookies window)  
  


Cookie: What the hell (Goes to window) Hey! you little shit's stop that!  
  
Kid: Old drunk! stumble out here and do soemthing about it!  
  
Cookie: I'll do something alright. I'll bend you over and spank that ass like your momma   
should've!  
  
Kid: Dumb old drunk ho!  
  
Cookie: Ho? You're really asking for it now! (More stones) if that window breaks   
I'll..(More stones) God help me I'll... Shit (Gets hand gun from under sofa cusion)   
See this? see this, I'll do more then spank that ass, if you don't stop. I'm well   
within the law1 Little bastard's. I hate kids! (long pause) That's right you better   
run! (sits on sofa) pussy's! (Cookie puts the gun to her temple. Acts liek she just   
won an award) First off I'f like to thank God, Without him I wouldn't be where I   
am today. and my Mother and Father for... (There's banging on the door )  Pull   
yourself together Cookie. (Wipes her face) You've got company (Fixes her hair,   
Banging continues) I'm coming; I'm coming. Who the hell is it?   
  


Cookie opens the door and a young school girl enters.   


  
Cookie: A kid?   
  
Allison: (Reads from paper) Hi my name is allison...I attend school at Grace Christian   
school, and we're having a fund raiser. Since it is...Christmas we're selling   
wrapping paper...and other holiday gifts.(looks up)  
  
Cookie: Wrapping paper? You made me walk my lazy ass all the way to the door for   
some wrapping paper?   
  
Allison: There are other things in the catalogue, just look at it there are some good   
things. (Holding out catalogue to Cookie)   
  
Cookie: Oh yeah? Like what? Cookies? Listen kid I don't need wrapping paper or   
cookies. I got no one to buy presents for and I'm on a diet (beat) I just switched   
to light beer. (Cookie pulls her nightgown so it hugs her body accentuating a   
small pouch.) Do you see this? And I ain't pregnant. I drink too much. I'm a   
mean old drunk,Everyone knows that. Don't you think I hear you little brats   
outside my window taunting me, throwing rocksand that rhyme how does it go?   
(Pause) Well anyway it's all true and if you know what's best for you you'll run   
away from me . Run, run as fast as those chubby little legs will carry you  
  
Allisonl: But, I haven't sold anything yet, and it's getting dark.   
  
Cookie: Well I'm not surprised. What you need to do is payone of your cute friends to   
sell em for you people don't want to buy cookies from fat kids. It just reminds   
them why they shouldn't buy the  cookies in the first place.   
  
Allison: (holding out catalogue) But there's other things in the catalogue. You could find   
something.   
  
Cookie: Give me the damn catalogue. (Snatches it from her) Let me see (looking   
through catalogue)  Crap,crap, crap, baby Jesus is cute...15 dollars! He ain't   
that cute. Crap..    
  
Allison: Some of it's good. You could find something.  
  
Cookie: (Gives her catalogue) I don't see anything good.  
  
Allison: Oh come on, please?  
  
Cookie: Why don't you just leave me alone?  
  
Allison: Because I'm trying to give shelter to the homeless.  
  
Cookie: Are you planning on building them a house made of dollor bills?   
  
Allison: No, That's what the fundraiser is for.  
  
Cookie: Why don't you raise some money for me? Look kid I've got problems of my   
own. Just get out of here. (Slams door shut, more knocking, cookie opens the   
door) I said get out!  
  
Allison: I'm sure you could find something, please look again. It's important, little   
babies, mommies, daddies with no home.  
  
Cookie: Give me that catalogue.  
  
Allison: OK! (hands it to her)  
  
Cookie: If I buy something will you leave me alone?   
  
Allison: Yes   
  
Cookie: Promise?  
  
Allison: Cross my heart and hope to die.  
  
Cookie: these prices are outrageous, but I'll buy thiscandle; it's the cheapest thing in   
here, Come in. (closes door) Let me write out a Check.  
  
Allison: It's only four dollars.  
  
Cookie: I don't keep cash, smart-ass. Why don't you makeyourself useful and get me a   
cold one from The fridge. It's right over there pointing to small refrigerator   
  


The girl bringscookie her beer then sits across from her chin resting on her hands Starring at Cookie.   


  
Cookie: (Opens beer) Why are you starring at me? (Allison shrugs her shoulders) Here   
(hands girl her beer ) Go ahead; take a sip.   
  
Allison: (Takes sip) Yuck.   
  
Cookie: Give that back (snatches it from her)  
  
Allison:  Let me try it again.   
  
Cookie: No.  It's an acquired taste. (Allison stares at floor) Now, what are you looking   
at?  
  
Allison: What's that on the floor?  
  
Cookie: Fungus. Haven't you ever seen fungus before?  
  
Allsion: That's gross. Can't you clean it?  
  
Cookie: Honey a housekeeper is somethign I never claimed to be. I did scrap it out   
once, but the shit just grew back.  
  
Allison: Yuck.  
  
Cookie: Hey, listen if you don't like were I stay then you can just spread them arms of   
yours and fly away  
  
Allison: I have dreams I can fly.  
  
Cookie: Oh yeah? Why don't you climb something high and try it.  
  
Allison: You're silly.  
  
Cookie: (Hands her check) Here's your check Now don't cash that till the first of the   
month.   
  
Allison: Can I come back, and see you?   
  
Cookie: Come back?   
  
Allison: Yeah, I like you   
  
Cookie: Why? I'm a mean old drunk. Remember?   
  
Allison: (shrugs her shoulders) You're silly.  
  
Cookie: Well, I guess so, but don't think you can bother me all day everyday, and   
during the summer this ain't  your home away from home. Now leave me alone.   
  
Allison: Ok, Bye (looks at check) Cookie.   
  
Cookie: Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. (Allison exits) Allison.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
